Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
You Might Also Like
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers