I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke