Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Not today
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.