Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.