What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.