If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.