“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
secret recipe
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Left at a local drug store…
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.