We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Lube but for my dry humor.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?