[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“I’m helping” 😅
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.