If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
hackers play passwordle
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Our lord and savoury.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly