Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.