*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”