My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).