What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.