When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.