me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?