(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?