Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.