Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.