Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)