On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
#CoronaOutbreak
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
my sentiments exactly
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.