Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mornin. * use accordingly
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!