ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese