Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.