Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mistakes were made
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Candles never taste the way they smell
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now