10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
put ‘er there pardner!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.