Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what