Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.