Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
😍😂🥰😂😍
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On