baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
🙀🙀🙀😹