2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!