I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Bike is short for Bichael.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.