When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.