Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.