A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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wow he looks just like him
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him