“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda