Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
an airline just for babies.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex