*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
fired
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!