Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Close call…
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Seductively sings in Klingon.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd