*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.