Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy