There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Realize this:
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Think I pulled my liver
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club