Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.