If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I think this cat is broken
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Not😆🤣
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight