It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
You Might Also Like
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq