[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
This is true.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
🤣🤣🤣
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*