I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.