I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Good morning
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Barbie gone wild
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”