I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
#CoronaOutbreak
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this