Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles